Bend It Like Brent/Transcript
Davis Quinton: Hey, Brent. Who's your favourite football team? Brent Leroy: The Riders, duh. Davis: No, not Canadian football. Brent: Oh, then the Minnesota Vikings. Davis: No, out on the pitch. Brent: What do you mean, soccer? Well, then it's a tie between the Manchester I-don't-give-a-craps and the London not-a-real-sports. Davis: All right then. I was gonna ask you but I'll ask Lacey instead. Lacey, would you like to be the sponsor of the football team I'm coaching? Lacey Burrows: That's a great idea. Minimum cash outlay, advertising on the front of jerseys for a whole season. Sure. Brent: Whoa, whoa, hold on. I didn't say I wasn't gonna do it. Davis: But you've been making fun of football this whole time. Brent: No, I've been making fun of soccer. Davis: All right, you can both sponsor. If that's all right with you, luv. Lacey: I don't see why not. Brent: Well, that's it then, blokes. Let's celebrate with some bangers and mash and ring up our mobiles or my name isn't Sir Aluminium Boot Bonnet. Davis: Is he having a laugh? Lacey: Or some kind of seizure. Hank Yarbo: Thanks for picking me up. Karen Pelly: Technically, running out of gas isn't a police emergency. Hank: What, you guys are only responding to your own emergencies now? Nice. Karen: What? Hank: Uh, nothing. Just think you're going a little fast, that's all. Karen: I'm a cop, I get to go fast. Besides, this isn't even fast. Hank: It's not? Karen: No, I'll show you fast. Hank: How fast we going now? Karen: Shut up. Brent: "Free movies." OK, let me explain the notion of "profit margin" to you. Wanda Dollard: They're VHS tapes. I got a DVD player so I'm giving these away. Brent: "Summer of the Monkeys." "Orphans of the Sands." "Sparkle." Hmm, and they're free? Wanda: Yeah, take them all if you want. Brent: Well, I would but then I'd have to get a VCR machine. Actually first, I'd have to get a time machine and then travel back to 1995 where I could find a VCR machine. Oscar Leroy: Hey, free movies. Wanda: Step right up and grab a handful of Hollywood D-listers and some red-hot local tax credits. Emma Leroy: What's the catch? Brent: One of you must drive a silver DeLorean. "Back to the Future?" Wanda: Oh, it's in there. Just underneath "The Tommy Douglas Story." Davis: Hey, came to watch the match, did ya? Thanks for donating the footballs by the way. Lacey: Oh, it's the least I can do for a soccer team. Give them some soccer balls. To play soccer with. Davis: Yeah, the proper term is "football." I think it's good for the kids to hear some of the British terminology. Lacey: Oh, ah. Hey, what's the British term for a person who uses stupid British terms? Davis: Wanker. Lacey: Good to know. Davis: Yeah. Brent: Sorry I'm late. Here's the jerseys. Davis: Thanks, Brent. They look a little thin. Couldn't get nylon? Brent: That's all there was in the budget. You should see the jackets though. Davis: All right, jackets too! Brent: Are these cool or what? Lacey: Oh, come on. Don't tell me that you wasted part of the budget on a jacket for yourself. Brent: No, yours is in there too. Lacey: Oh, wow! Stitching, logos and everything. Davis: Oh well, I guess these will do. Come on, lads! Come and get your jumpers. Hank: Uh, how come we're only doing 30? Karen: Nothing wrong with being a little cautious. Hank: Ah, you're a little gun-shy from hitting the ditch, aren't you? You know, when I was a kid my grandfather took me horseback riding. And I fell off the horse. Karen: And your grandpa made you get right back on. I get it Hank. Hank: No, the horse stomped on my ribs a bit and then kicked me in the head, twice. Anyway, what were we talking about? Karen: It doesn't matter. What matters is that I get over this. So, here we go. Hank: OK. Good, good. Karen: Not good. Hank: Did I ever tell you my horse story? Emma: "Kramer versus Kramer?" Oscar: Yeah, it's got that guy from "Seinfeld" in it. Ha, ha, ha, that's funny. Mother's leaving the kid. Emma: Now what? Oscar: Stupid machine. Where's the knob to fix this? Emma: I'm looking at him. Wanda (TV): And in the West... Oscar: Never mind, I fixed it. Wanda (TV): It's fairly cloudy with a chance of showers. Otherwise, it looks like an excellent weekend to get out there and explore things. Back to you, Sandra. Thank you, Wanda. Excellent job. Oscar: Holy hell. Wanda's in the movie! Emma: No she's not you idiot. She taped herself doing some kind of skitch. Wanda (TV): And in Winnipeg, there's a canary who can sing the national anthem. Emma and Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Wanda (TV): What's up with sports, Wendy? Coming up, highlights and an update on the Riders' training camp. Emma and Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hank: You want to try driving again? Karen: I think I'll just rest a bit. I'm still just a little freaked out. Karen (phone): DRPD. Uh-huh. Um, OK, I'll be right there. Karen: There's cattle on the road west of town. Hank: Oh, OK, I'll pull over so you can drive. Karen: No, no. Hank: Gotcha. Switch seats on the fly. Karen: No, no! You drive. Hank: Oh, OK. Uh, how do you turn on the siren? Karen: It's cattle on the road. Hank: Right, right. Just the lights then, catch them by surprise. Wanda (TV): And we're back. My special guest, Winston Churchill. Winston, you were quoted as saying that the price of greatness is responsibility. Would you care to elaborate on that? When one achieves greatness, one must assume the role of mentor to the masses... Oscar: I can't believe she got Winston Churchill. Emma: Aw, look closer. Wanda (TV): I always thought that Hitler was a bit of a tool. Oscar: Holy hell. She's like a Canadian Rich Little. Davis: Bring it in, bring it in. All right, all right, good game. Now, we didn't win but we tried hard. Lacey: Did we try hard? Because it looked to me like we didn't try at all. Davis: Well, at least we had fun. Lacey: Well, did we have fun losing? Because keep playing like this and we're gonna have a blast all season. Losing. Come on, you guys, this can't be all fun and games. Brent: Hey, who wants candy? Lacey: Brent, Brent, I don't think you should be giving kids candy when they lose. It sends out the wrong message. Brent: That candy is for losers? Lacey: OK, that's enough. Just give back the candy. Come on kids, give the candy back. No candy for you, no candy for you, or you. Candy is for winners. Emma: Beautiful day, isn't it? Wanda: Yeah. Emma: Partly cloudy, slight chance of showers. Wanda: Thanks for the report. Is that everything? Emma: Ah, no. Here's Oscar with the spaghetti sauce. Over to you, Oscar. Oscar: Thanks Emma. Coming up later, we'll be making spaghetti. Wanda: Are you two OK? Oscar: Say hi to Winston for us. Wanda: Who the hell is Winston? Emma and Oscar: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Wanda: Geez. Couple of nut bars. Oh God, no. Peter's Dad: You're the coach of the soccer team, right? Brent: Actually, one of the owners. The main one, really. Peter's Dad: I'm Peter's Dad. He plays on your team. Brent: Oh yeah, that's right. He's the one named Peter, with the shoes. Peter's Dad: He really likes soccer. In fact, the other day he was saying how he wished he could play more. So, I figured with you being the owner... Brent: Yeah, I don't really like to micromanage. Peter's Dad: Want don't you think on it while you fill up my truck. I have dual tanks, by the way. Brent: Oh, yeah. Now I remember Peter. Sure, he's the one I was thinking of making captain. Wanda: Hey, Emma. Just curious, how was the spaghetti last night? Emma: Oh, just fine thanks. Wanda: Super, super. Yeah, spaghetti's super. All right, look. The tape that you saw was an audition for a broadcasting course in college. Now, I'm glad you had a good laugh. But now, I'd like it back. Emma: Can't have it. Wanda: What? But that's my private property. Oscar: We paid good money for those tapes. Wanda: I gave them to you for free. Oscar: Ah-ha! You gave them to us. That makes them ours now. Wanda: Give them back! Oscar: No can do, Sissy McGoo. Emma: You're hilarious by the way. Karen (phone): DRPD. Oh-huh. Trespasser? OK, sure, I can check it out. Are you within walking distance the Police station? No, I have a car. Karen: Oh hey, Hank. I need to talk to you outside. Hank: OK, just give me a minute, I'm almost finished my coffee. Karen: I need to talk to you right now. I got a call, about a trespasser. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Why do you need Hank for that? Karen: He's a, a suspect. Yeah, let's go. Hank: Oh, I get it. You want me to um...ow! What did you do that for? I was gonna say that...ow! Karen: Let's go! Davis: Hey, Brent. Could I talk to you about yesterday's football match? Lacey: Hey, are you two talking about the game yesterday? 'Cause I felt really badly about the way I handled things. Davis: Oh, I am so glad to hear you say that. Lacey: I shouldn't have yelled at those kids right after the game. Brent: You took my candy away too. Davis: I completely understand. Junior football can get a little crazy sometimes. Lacey: I should made them run laps first. Showed them the consequences of their actions, then laid into them. Teach 'em a lesson. Yeah, next time. Anyway, gotta run. Bye. Brent: Well, that was pretty creepy. Davis: Oh, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. She's a little overbearing. I was hoping you'd help me keep her in check. Brent: Sure, sure, no problem. Listen, there's a player on your team, Peter. How's he doing? Davis: Oh, he's not very good. But at least he's trying. Brent: Sounds like he needs motivation. Maybe you should make him captain. Play him more. Davis: No, I play all my players equally. Brent: Oh, sure, sure. I'm just saying, play Peter more, that's all. Davis: Yeah, well, I'll give it some thought. Brent: You do that and then make him captain. I'll look after Lacey and whole control freak thing. Karen: We'll keep you posted. Hank: Where to now? Karen: I don't know. Just a, just drive around. Hank: Yeah. Karen: Oh, and um, wear this in case Davis sees you. Hey, swing by the Foo Mart. Hank: Why, is something big going down at the Foo Mart? Karen: Yeah, big thing at the Foo Mart. No, no lights and siren. Hank: Whrrrr... Karen: No siren noises. Brent: Here it is. Wanda: Oh, good. Did you get some good dirt on them? Brent: Oh, yeah. Mom and Dad trying to cook lobsters, with hilarious results. Wanda: What am I supposed to do with typewriter ribbon? Brent: That's 8mm film. Wanda: Where did you get it? The attic of the National Film Board? Brent: No, that stuff was shot when I was a kid. My parents didn't just start doing stupid stuff when VCRs were invented. Wanda: Well, how am I supposed to play this? I have a DVD player. Brent: You know what your problem is? You're a techie freak. Always gotta have the latest gadget. Hank: I thought there was some big thing going on at the Foo Mart. Karen: There was, shoplifter. Luckily I caught him and was able to confiscate this candy and magazine. Hank: Look, I hate to see you like this. I think it's time you tried to drive again. Get back on that horse. Karen: OK. here we go. Hank: OK. Start off slow. Don't bite off more than you can... Karen: Whew, boy. That was scary. Ah, too soon I guess. Wanda: Hey, Oscar. Crazy question, long story, can't go into it. But here's the thing, I was wondering if you guys had an 8mm projector I could borrow? Oscar: Projector? Well, sure Ben Franklin. I'll just get into my horse and buggy and see if I can find one for you. Emma: Who's there? Oscar: It's Laura Secord. She wants to borrow an 8mm projector. I'm just gonna run to the apothecary and see if I can find one. Wanda: It's apothecary. Oscar: You'd know wouldn't you, Thomas Edison? Emma: Oh, Oscar, leave the poor creature alone. Our future world is strange and new to her. Wanda: OK, Mr. and Mrs. Comedy Hour. I happen to have some hilarious footage myself. A little something I like to call "Oscar and Emma versus the Lobsters." When I show this to everyone, you'll be the laughing stock of the whole town. Emma: Then why would we give you our projector? Wanda: Well, in hindsight, I should have probably told you that after I got the projector. Oscar: Well, send us a telegraph when you find your motion picture machine. Emma: You're hilarious, by the way. Lacey: Come on, hustle, hustle. What's with the slow kid? Brent: Who, Peter? He's probably saving his energy for a late game burst. He's quite the strategist. Lacey: Hmm. Peter: I don't know why they made me captain. I don't know anything about this game. I thought I was signing up for football. Lacey: Hey, Davis. I think we need to take Peter out. Davis: Well, he looks like he's having fun out there. Lacey: Well, we need someone faster. Take him out. Davis: Fine. Peter. Brent: Don't listen to her Davis. I'll back you. Leave him in. Davis: Peter, stay out there. Lacey: I said pull him out. Davis: Peter, in. Brent: Leave him in, Davis. Davis: Out. Lacey: Peter needs to come out. Davis: In. Brent: He's the captain, he needs to stay in. Davis: Out. Lacey: Out. Davis: In. All right, that's enough! You two are the worst sponsors ever. It's not about winning or wanting to be liked. It's about the lads enjoying the game. Lacey: We need to fire Davis. Brent: And play Peter more. Parent 1: We can't fire Davis. Brent: It's not an easy decision but as owners, we recognize that the real problem is coaching. Parent 2: You're not the owners. Lacey: I, I think what Brent means is that as business owners, we just want what's best for the team. Brent: I mean, you saw how he handled that Peter thing. Lacey: He doesn't know when to pull certain players. Brent: I think he doesn't know when to keep players in. Lacey: Look, the bottom line is that we're losing. Parent 1: But the kids are having fun. Lacey: Yeah, you know what I'm getting here? Is that you're all OK with being the parents of losers. Brent: Always open with an insult. Parent 2: I think we all agree that some changes need to be made. Brent: All right then. Now, I know this can be a little unsettling so to help smooth things over I brought candy for everyone. Lacey: Brent? We don't give candy to the parents of losers. Emma: What are you doing? Wanda: Oh, just setting up my magic picture box to show something we call a talkie. Oscar: Where'd you get the projector? Wanda: From a high school. They were very helpful. Teacher: Who would steal a 50 year old projector? Oscar: Holy hell, she's gonna show the whole lobster film. Emma: Maybe we were a little hasty before. We'll give you your tape back. Wanda: Oh, I don't need the tape. I need darkness. Hit the lights! All: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Aw. Wanda: Dammit! Karen (phone): Yeah. No, thanks, I'll have my driver pick it up. Hank: Great, now I have to go pick up your driver? Karen: No, we just have to swing by and pick up some stuff for my garden. Nursery Woman: You must be Karen's driver. Hank: No, I just drive her around and run errands for her. Karen: Hey, driver, let's go. Break-in at the high school. Lacey: Hi, Davis. Davis: I just had a rough meeting with the parents. Lacey: Well, it had to be done. Brent: We fought for you buddy. Davis: In the end they made up their minds. They want new sponsors. Lacey: You mean a new coach. Davis: No, new sponsors. I fought for you, but in the end they didn't like being called parents of losers. Brent: She said it, I didn't. Lacey: Well, that's what they are. Wanda: Look, see it's right here. Look. Emma: If you really want to see something really funny you should all come over to our place and watch our Wanda video. Wanda: No. Oscar: She does impressions. She's no Little Richard but she's pretty good. Wanda: No, there's a lobster pinching Oscar's nose! This stuff only happens in cartoons, people. Karen: Whoa, easy there, Hank. Going a little fast. Hank: I don't think we're going fast enough. Whew, I don't even think I need my hands on the wheel. Whew! Hank: OK, Hank, look out for the cat! Oscar: What are you looking at? Emma: I think Hank just hit the ditch across the street. Hank: You're right, that can, that can really rattle ya. Karen: Move over, lemme drive. Hank: OK. Wanda (TV): Thank you, thank you very much. Great being here. I'd like to do some impressions for you. Oscar: She's going to do some impressions. Ha, ha. Wanda (TV): First, John Wayne. Well, listen here, pilgrim. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. Wanda (TV): Thank you. Now I'd like to do a couple of impressions of some folks from my old home town. Emma: Oh. Wanda (TV): We got a guy that goes by the name of Oscar. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, jackass! Jackass, jackass. Shut up, jackass. Oscar: That sounds nothing like me, ya jackasses. All: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Wanda (TV): And believe it or not, Oscar has a wife. "My name is Emma and I have the most incredible garden. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. Have you seen my garden?" Oscar: Oh, this is getting good again. Davis: Good hustle out there. Watch the defense, atta boy. There we go. Lacey: Boo! Brent: Hey, number 6, you kick like a girl. Lacey: That's because she is a girl. Brent: Oh, well the truth hurts sometimes. Lacey: Oh, boo, losers! Brent: The coach is a winker. Lacey: That's "wanker." Brent: Oh, well I don't speak English. Category:Transcripts